spiritualawakening

Well in my intro page I told you that I think i was misdiagnosed. They say I am schizo affective. I guess thats bipolar and schizophrenia together. I don’t believe I’m schizophrenic though. I think I got diagnosed with it because I said I saw and heard things others didn’t. Yes I see dead people, and yes I hear my spirit guides. They never tell me to do anything bad. They actually give me good advice and make me feel better. They show me how to view things in a more positive light. But, I do think they got the bipolar part right. I think it’s been five days since I slept. I had been up for three before I realized I wasn’t sleeping. My mind is going so fast and i have so many ideas. I feel like I could write for the rest of my life without a break and not get everything out. It just keeps coming. I am tired now. I am feeling a little more mellow. I will get into detail about the last six months later. All I can say is even if you weren’t mentally ill, you’d still be depressed if you had to go through what I have.

I also am physically sick. I have been in a lot of pain for 6 months now. That is part of my depression. They ask you in therapy if you can no longer do what you used to enjoy. The way they word the question it is loaded. I say yes and they say I must be depressed. I can no longer do what I enjoy because of my physical health. I used to burn incense all the time because it calmed me down. Now I have asthma and if I do burn the incense I risk an asthma attack. The worst thing for me is having my voice taken away. Yes I can still sing, but only when my body allows it. I want to sing when my spirit moves me, but I can’t anymore because I have such a hard time breathing. This is a big loss for me. I went to school for music. I have an A.S. in music. (Funny one class made the difference between associate of science or of art. Ha. So I have an Associate of science degree in an art, music.) This is just part of why I hit rock bottom. I am also allergic to one of my favorite foods now. I can’t eat tomatoes. They used to be a staple. I miss pizza, lasagne, spaghetti, salsa, ketchup, etc. I know it’s not as bad as it could be. I know people have harder problems. Let me list my symptoms though.

My physical symptoms are sharp stabbing pains all over my body, nausia, vomiting, constipation, pain with sex, and stomache pain. The stomache pain is strange. It feels like there’s an alien trying to rip out of my stomache. It hurts so bad that I can’t stand for long. I was trying to clean the kitchen today. I made it about a half hour before I hurt so bad that to continue would just be torture. This has been going on for six months, and the doctors haven’t found anything yet. I wanted it to be something simple so I went to an allergist. I was hoping i might just be allergic to some food and if I quit eating it I wouldn’t hurt. Well during that time I ended up i the ER because I couldn’t breathe. The ER said since I was seeing the allergist already I should just have them run a breathing test. The breathing test said I had asthma. Well, my husband is home. I will explain the problems I’ve had in the healthcare system later. It’s not just insurance that’s bad. The treatment is horrible.

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