spiritualawakening

 I don’t think it matters what religion or spirituality you associate yourself with, because ultimately it comes down to who thinks they are right or wrong. If you don’t do this you are going to hell they say. If you don’t do that you are not enlightened or awakened. If you don’t drink tea on thursday at 2 p.m. you will not go to heaven. Who can actually cry out they are right with authority. The mormon church will claim authority, the christians will claim authority. If I write a book that is founded on previous ideas, do I have the authority. I believe all books should be scrutinized for the truth. People may view the truth differently, but everything should never be taken as such. The truth used to be the world is flat. Well that really wasn’t the truth, anduntil they showed otherwise no one believed. Likewise, until we uncover it fully no one will believe otherwise.

People will pass on a lie over and over as a truth. Some of what I read I believe founded on lies or half truths. Perhaps I am ignorant. Perhaps I haven’t found a good source.  If you believe everything you read, one day you will be drinking poisoned koolaid with the masses.

     We have all heard not to judge a book by its cover, yet many still do.

When you walk into an upscale store in your sweats and baggy t-shirt, the service people seem to glare at you in distaste. It doesn’t matter if you have a million bucks. If you are dressed that way they think you are a waste of time and have no money. They wonder why you are even in their store. Then they are shocked when you buy their most expensive item. You wonder whould I have even bought from them with there mean attitude. Rich or poor, everyone deserves the same treatment.

I was in the psych ward one day and as you know I have been sick for months. People were telling me it was all in my head. Well, I sat up thiinking if it is all in my head I am anerexic or bulimic. I asked the nurse if she knew the effects of mold. She said no and asked why. I told her I suspected mold might be in our house, but if my illness was all in my head I may be anorexic or bulimic. She informed me I was to well nourished to be. I was so angry. Their scale had said I lost 45 pounds in the last month and I had been throwing up almost everything I ate. I didn’t know you had to come in skinny and dying before you could be considered sick. Anyways, I still don’t know whats wrong. I do have an appointment with a g.i. doctor soon, though.

There is also the misconception that anyone who isn’t thin must eat five  big macs a day and a gallon of ice cream. This simply isn’t the truth. People are always talking about equality. Overweight people are discriminated against. Some people may have a type of thyroid disease. Yet they are all taken to be gluttens. They have done talk shows on this. People will not be able to get jobs because of their weight. People will not give you the time of day even, because they see you as lazy. It is not just weight that people have a problem with. Beards and long hair on men are an issue also.

People look at men with beards and think they are bums. If Jesus were here today he probably wouldn’t be able to get a job. Hmmm. When did the beard become a sign of terrorism anyways? And just the same people have to dress a certain way for work. We must be professional. I think people should be able to work in their sweats if they want. I understand a dress code so people don’t come to work dressed as a hooker. Yet, why do we have to dress so nice. It is an appearance that the company has money. It reminds me of the guy who only has one suit and wears it to the bar to make himself look rich, so women will want him. And, people are fools. They fall for it.

I wear sweats a lot because I am sick and they are comfortable. I wish the businesses would treat me nicer. They do when I wear my nice clothes.  Well, I guess it is like one of my favorite songs “signs” by Tesla. If you think things have changed since it was written, they haven’t

     I have been reading about magick and practicing it for many years. I have realized a lot. Some of magick does seem to be pure superstition. Some may look at what someone is doing and think they are out of their mind. Mostly magick works from the power of belief. Sometimes believing in something is all a person needs.

If you take the disney classic dumbo and analyze it, it is a perfect example. Dumbo believes that his magick feather is what makes him fly. He later finds out the power is within him and he doesn’t need the feather at all. I think a lot of the props people use are like dumbos feather. They think they need them for anything to work.

I was at my mother-in- laws house. Her son was there and the topic of Feng Shui came up. He said he thought it was a bunch of superstitious junk. I have read about it and think a lot of it is common sense. If your house is not full of clutter you will feel more peaceful. Whether you want to attribute it to energy flow is up to you. It does make sense that a clean house would make you feel better. It also makes sense that if you can see the door to the bedroom from where you place your bed, you will sleep better. Why? I think it is because we feel vulnerable when we sleep and subconsciously people may be afraid of intruder. If you hear a noise at night the first place you will probably want to check is the door.

So, is it energy flow or common sense. Does a feather have magick or is it in you. If it works for you I don’t think it really matters.

     I told you my story so far of the poor treatment I have been receiving for my physical illness. I am now going to tell you what I learned from being so sick. Here are some tips that some people might find handy.

1) Even if you are young you should always have a doctor.

I thought I wouldn’t get sick until I was at least in my fifties and perhaps not until my sixties or seventies. The truth is we never know what is going to happen. I am 31 and in severe pain from day to day. I still do not know what is wrong, and am still going through tests. I may have been able to reach a diagnoses by now, had I had a doctor. It is very important to have a doctor, just in case this happens. If you go each year just for a physical, you can build the relationship and know that your doctor is reliable and good for when you really need them.

2) Never tell another doctor how bad the last one was.

This is a mistake I made. The new doctor took it personal. She felt like I had called her a bad doctor because I said the doctors I had gone to were quacks. They don’t like to hear that, even if it is the truth. It made her angry and unwilling to help me.

3) Do not switch doctors just because you get a new insurance plan.

You may think I will have better insurance so I am going to find the best doctor in town. This is a mistake. If you are not well do not switch. Even if you suspect it is just the flu and you will be over it in a couple weeks. When my illness started I thought I would be better in a couple weeks and did just that. I thought nothing was going to be that bad. I was wrong. Stay with them until you feel better completely. Don’t risk going through a list of bad doctors , when you could’ve stayed and got the treatment you needed.

4) Always ask questions.

It is always good to be informed. One of the doctors ran a cat scan on my stomach. It came back normal. I didn’t say anything. Then later I wondered what that had ruled out. I didn’t even know what they were looking for. I didn’t know what a cat scan can show. I found out that didn’t mean I was in the clear, even though the tests were normal. I found this on my own. The doctor never told me. It is good to hit them with as many questions as you have, because some doctors will not offer any information without inquiry. Also, when finding out new information, ask, ask, and ask. I almost had to give three stool samples because they didn’t tell me there was a certain procedure to follow. It was to be given between 8 and 5, there was to be no urine in it, no toilet paper, and it was to be turned into the lab within two hours. None of this was told to me. So i did it twice, and the second sample I almost messed up because of the urine and toilet paper. I won’t go into details. If I had asked though, I wouldn’t have had such a problem.

5) Along the same lines, do your own research.

Doctors may have a list of your family medical history, but in the U.S. they do not focus on the whole being. They focus on the symptom, and not what caused the symptom. If you look up your symptoms you may find something that makes more sense to you than the doctor. You have all the puzzle pieces. You know you ate out last week and thats when it started. The doctor has no idea you ate out and that this could help figure out the problem. He has no idea you were out in a wheat field with your uncle, or that you just bought a cat. I know this may seem silly, but these things could be a key to your health mystery. Perhaps you are allergic to cats, have a case of food poisoning, and some bug bit you in the field. If they just give you medicine to treat the nausea you are experiencing, because you are allergic to cats, you will not get better. You will mask the problem. I had several things going on when my pain first started that I finally realized may be the cause. I had started Gabapentin, a new birth control, and moved all at once. Well the new doc just asked what meds I was on. I was the one who eventually made the correlation. Once I quit one of the meds my symptoms improved. I also started to suspect mold in the house. For those of you who don’t know, mold can cause death, or at least that is the experience of some. It isn’t proven for sure, but if you ask someone whose life has been ruined by it they will tell you it is fact. These were things I brought up at the doctor. They don’t think mold is the cause but getting off the med helped.

It is also good to know all of the side effects of your medications. I had quit reading them because I wouldn’t take the medication at all if I read them. I might have stopped the Gabapentin earlier if I had read the side effects. This is also to ensure your safety. You could have an allergic reaction to a med and not even know it. You may think I am just itching. Sometimes something like that can be a sign to go to the ER.

I also like to put my symptoms into a symptom checker. It may give you ideas to throw at the doctor. They may not like this, but it is your life so why not try to make sure you are getting the best treatment.

6) One insurance plan can be much better than two.

     I thought having a second insurance plan would be a guarantee that I would get the treatment I needed. All it has done is make it twice as hard to find a doctor. They take one or the other so they can’t see me. They take both but the wrong one is primary, so they can’t see me. Somehow the combination seems to void out 90% of the available doctors in my area.  In my experience one plan is much more helpful.

Well, that is all I can think of in this moment. If I had known these things I may be healthier or at least have a diagnoses by now. I hope this helps. Oh, and one more thing I have no personal experience of. When you are going in for surgery it is recommended you mark the area to be worked on. I have heard stories of the left leg being amputated instead of the right one, which had the disease. I have also heard of people having something done besides what they went in for. Just as a safety precaution it is good to write on the body part “This one” or such. I don’t know how often this kind of thing happens. I like to believe it doesn’t happen often, but people do make mistakes. And always check your pills from the pharmacy. I have had experience with that. Once they gave me capsules that were three times my normal dose. The best thing is to be informed and be in charge of as much as you can. Happy health to you all.

     Sometimes in life you have probably wondered what kind of difference you will make. You may have thought I am only one person and I make no difference. I have had thoughts like that. I have dealt with the thought that the world would not miss me, and it would never matter if I hadn’t been born. Then I opened my eyes. I realized just how much of an impact one person can have on things. I am not talking about being famous, or rich, or whatever you think makes a person great. Those things are all misleading to the true meaning of life and success.

It is like you are a rock and you are thrown into the pond. The ripples go across the whole thing. That is the way everything we do works. What you do effects the whole world in one way or another. Even if you just smiled at some one, that will go through the universe. You may be wondering how a smile can do anything. I will give an example of the power of small gestures. The following story is fiction, but it is based on what can really happen when one person does something small.

One day I was in a wonderful mood. I was hungry and feeling lazy. I went to a fast food restaurant and drove through their drive-in. A womans voice came over the intercom. “Welcome to the hamburger place. I can take your order whenever your ready.” I ordered a burger with no tomato, and an extra fry. When I got to the window I could tell she was having a bad day. She almost gave me a burger with tomato and then apologized. I was in a good mood so I said something like,” It’s okay. You caught it before I drove off and that is wonderful.” She smiled and gave me my bag. I drove away. I got home and there were no extra fries. I wasn’t mad though. I knew she was having a bad day and mistakes happen, so I just enjoyed what I had got. You may think this was just another day. But what if you found out later the truth of the situation. What if you were able to see what all your actions did. Let’s continue the story.

The girl in the drive-through had been feeling horrible that night. She had felt as if no one in the world was left that was kind. She was going to commit suicide that night, but your kindness showed her the world wasn’t so bad. Sure, the world was a hard place to be in but with a little work she thought she could stay now. And because she stayed in the world, she experienced many emotions. She learned to deal with them, and now is a therapist who makes a difference in others lives. She also got older, married and had a kid. That kid came up with a new scientific idea, which would make the world a better place. Perhaps he found a way to neutralize the nuclear properties and a new source of energy. This way nuclear power fell off the planet and there was clean energy. The energy produced had no bad environmental effects. This in turn gave the earth a longer life span and time to heal from the previous problems. So a smile and some friendly behavior can ultimately lead to saving the world.

I know this may sound like a crazy idea, but I have heard stories along this same line that were true. We all can make a difference. Even if it is just a smile, or your presence in the room. Your actions have the power to ripple across the pond and change the whole world. So remember you are special. You are here for a purpose. Let your light shine:)

     Maybe you have never kept a journal. Maybe you don’t see the benefit. Maybe you have tried journaling, but found you didn’t like it. Journaling can be an extremely helpful tool. You don’t need to know how to write well and you don’t need to even know how to write.

I used to keep a journal and it wasn’t enjoyable for me. I felt it was useless. People say if you write down your garbage you get it out of you. For me this wasn’t true. I wrote down my garbage and found it still existed inside of me. I felt no better. Then when i go to re-read what I wrote I rush back to that moment in the past. I feel all the pain and suffering of that moment. This was the only way I knew how to journal. Then one day something changed that.

I was going to a therapist and I was having major anxiety issues. My worries were making it so I could not sleep. She recommended I keep a worry journal. She gave me instructions. Each day give yourself a certain amount of time to worry. It can be as long or as short as you want, but after that time tell yourself your not allowed to worry anymore, and that you had your worry time. During your worry time write in your worry journal. Write all of your worries down. Well I tried this.

I gave myself five minutes of journaling my worries. I thought it would be easy. I thought with as much as I worry it wouldn’t help. I wrote down my worries and realized that after a minute I was bored. I would just be writing the same worries down over and over. When you worry this is how your head works. It likes to loop over and over. It is like a skipping record. This experience let me sleep. I got my worries out and I got bored of writing them over and over. Unlike the journal I had kept about all the bad times in my life, this journal served a purpose. Another thing to do with a worry journal is to burn the pages later as a symbolic release of your worries. It is just a nice added touch for the psyche. Although, if you were to keep the journal you could look back years later and laugh at some of the worries.

Another way to journal is to keep a positive journal. This is wonderful to go back to when you are depressed, or just down. When you are down sometimes it is hard to remember the good. This makes it easier. Find something good in everyday and write that down. Maybe you have had an extremely horrible day, but even if the only positive you can find is that you enjoyed a candybar write it down. And perhaps you don’t want to keep it everyday, but it is a wonderful tool.

One thing to keep in mind when you journal is that it is for you. Maybe you can’t spell good. Maybe your hand writing is terrible. Let go and just express yourself. There are no rules when you journal. Make it what you want. As with all things, you can take my ideas or make your own, or do a combination or twist of them. If you allow your creativity and imagination to flow you can come up with your own wonderful style.

Then their is the visual journal. Maybe pictures speak to you more. Perhaps you are more visual. Your whole journal can be pictures that express your feelings of the day. Perhaps no one else will be able to discern the deep meaning, but this is for you. You can cut pictures from magazines, add stickers, drawings, and doodles. It will be an extremely artistic experience. Perhaps if the words don’t work for you, pictures will.

There is no wrong way to journal and these are just a couple ways I have found. There are as many ways to journal as there are people. They can be extremely therapeutic if you find the right way for you. It mat take some time to find that way, but when you do it is worth it. Happy Journaling!

     I am receiving disability for being mentally ill. I had tried to make my life better and get off of disability benefits. I went back to school and finished my A.S. in music, I got a job, and I got married. Because I got married I lost my Medicaid,  which meant I needed a new therapist and psychiatrist. I thought since I was on my way out of the system I would be losing Medicare also. So, I decided to look for a new Dr. also.

First I went to Liz, for psychiatry. I wanted to have kids someday so I asked her to put me on a med that wouldn’t be as prone to cause birth defects. When I saw her I told her it was only going to be for psychiatric treatment. She said it was fine. The last thing i said is a key in this story. Well, she started me on new meds, and mentioned that she did therapy. I thought well I will try your therapy then. I went to her for therapy and she was abusive. I had another appointment set up for therapy and after about a week away from her office I went to cancel it. So I told her politely I would only like to see her as a psychiatrist. She said that that was impossible and she only sees patients who see her for both therapy and psychiatry. Remember the key to the story now. She started my first session saying it was okay to see her for only psychiatry and then changed her mind. The problem is she changed her mind after putting me on new meds. They say not to quit your medication without a doctors approval.

If you don’t know anything about the mental health system, then you don’t know the fact that it takes at least a month to get in to a new psychiatrist, if you haven’t seen him before. So I desperately called around and could find noone. They either didn’t take my insurance or weren’t accepting new patients. So I’m on new meds and know they will run out after a couple of months. I then come down with the flu. And within a week am moving. So I feel horrible and am lifting boxes. I take a break and then I feel a sharp pain. something between my front pelvic area and my buttocks hurts so bad Ihave to sit down. I got to the only doctor I have at the time, which is a medical doctor. We can call her Sally. Well Sally takes a picture of my belly and says I am constipated. So I am over the flu but I am constipated, and that is why my stomache still hurts, and I am throwing up. She says if things don’t change come back, after of course trying some enemas and laxatives.

I am thinking I should just get another doctor because i have a job and I don’t want to switch several times. I thought I would be losing my medicare, and my husband hadn’t put me on his insurance yet. But he was going to within a month. So I thought I’ll wait if this doesn’t work and get a doctor I can have for a long time. That way I won’t have to switch several times. So I try the enemas, laxatives, a whole family serving size of prune juice, and fiber. I could barely go with all of that help. By the time i get to this new doctor, who we will call Kathy, I have been sick three months. I have been throwing up almost everything I ate.

I was optimistic. Kathy seemed to want to help me. I told her what was wrong. By the second appointment I told her I suspected it was the new psych meds that had caused the constipation. She was going to have me taper them down a little and come back in two weeks. I decided if this was the culprit i wanted it out of my system as quick as possible. I know that i still needed to taper down. I tapered down faster. I thought she was tapering me too slow. I didn’t want to be constipated for another two months. I only had enough for a couple weeks anyways, and no refill, because I couldn’t find a psychiatrist. I decide I will just quit my Zoloft, since I am quitting the other med, and I will just forget about psychiatric meds. I decided I was going to live my live naturally, and un medicated. Then comes the second visit.

The second visit I tell her I am off my meds and I don’t want to see a shrink ever again. I told her I would be fine. She decides to have me get a cat scan of my belly. I am also given a pregnancy test sometime during the beginning of this all. People hear nausia, vomiting , and sensitivity to smells and think you are pregnant. I believe that was the first thing done. So I go to have a Cat scan done. By this time I have quit my job because now I am having sharp stabbing pains and I can’t seem to do anything without being in pain. My stomach hurts so bad I feel like I can’t move.

I go to the get the cat scan. I take the liquid and am fine. I got to lay down on the table, and am just emotionally upset. I am getting to where just going to the doctor makes me want to cry. Well they ask if I am allergic to iodine. No I say. The contrast they inject me with has iodine. They need it in my system to take the picture. I am told to follow the direction the machine gives me. They leave the room. The table moves and stops. It says something like on the count of five take a deep breathe and hold it. then it counts to five. It was something of the sort I did it maybe four times. Then it was over. They walked in the room and all of the sudden those sharp stabbing pains were no longer small. My feet were in so much pain I couldn’t move them. I don’t think i ever hurt so bad in my life. I was scared. They tried to tell me it was probably just a cramp. My god, if a cramp felt like that everyone in the world would be unable to move. I knew it wasn’t a cramp. It started moving up my legs and I could feel it in my knees. I was panicking. I didn’t know what was going on. They just sat there and tried to calm me down and in about 5 to 10 minutes I could move again. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know if it was an allergic reaction or not. All I know is it hurt so bad I screamed. I think I have a high pain tolerance too. I have had several body piercings and a big tattoo. The tattoo hurt a little. Some people can’t handle the pain of a tattoo. Well I went home to wait for the results.

I went back to Kathy. She said the catscan was normal and we made another appointment. She said we would do a pelvic exam. At my new appointment she got distracted. I asked if we were going to do the pelvic exam. She forgot and did a really quick thing that I wouldn’t call an exam. She put her finger up me and felt my tummy. Then she made me take another pregnancy test. Why take a test after a pelvic exam. Why not before, and it is not ruling anything out. I took it because the doctor asked. Then I guess they needed time to decide what to do, so no appointment was made. I receive a letter that is one line. It says something like,” What is wrong with you is outside of our scope of practice.” So I feel like there saying we don’t know what to do. I decide to make an appointment with an allergist thinking maybe they can figure what is wrong. Maybe I will be lucky and it will be some sort of food allergy.

I spend several weeks going to the allergist and during one of those weeks I end up in the ER because now I can’t breathe. They tell me since I have an appointment with the allergist already I should have them do a breathing test. The allergist finishes all the tests on my next appointment. I have asthma now, and allergies to mold, tomatoes, lobster, and dust mites. I am put on asthma and allergy meds. I stop eating tomatoes, get allergen covers for my bed, and never could afford lobster. It doesn’t matter though. I am still sick. I keep trying to figure out what to do during this whole time. Then I think usually they give you a referral or some direction. so I call Kathy’s office. I ask them why they didn’t give me a referral. They say didn’t you get the letter. I say yes. They tell me i need to find another doctor because they don’t know whats wrong.

I get discouraged because I know another doctor will just run all the same tests. I think what I need is a specialist. Then I decide i should set up an appointment with a gynecologist and a gastroenterologist. I get an appointment with the gynecologist. The g.i. doctors office says they won’t see anyone without a referral. By this time I am sure it is either gynecological or gastrointestinal related. I decide i will call Kathys office again.

I call the office and ask for a referral to the G.I. doctor. The receptionist said that she’d tell the nurses aid what I want. At this point I wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to waste my time and not get what I needed. I said So your going to tell her, but will it get done. Yes, we will have her call the specialist and she will fax over the information. Then she goes to hang up and I say “Wait, don’t you need the number.” She tells me they have it. So I say thanks and get off the phone. I wait a week. The gastro office said they would call me when the appointment was made. NO calls and a week has past. By this time I am thinking Kathy is not doing her job. So I call the Gastro office first and ask if they have received my information. They say they have no records on me and no one has sent them anything. I call Kathys office again.

I am mad now, but trying to not explode. I call and ask why they are not doing there job. I explain that it has been a week and I still have no appointment because they did not send the information. The receptionist tells me that they sent it and it just takes awhile to get an appointment. I explain that I called the Gastro office and they never sent my records. I asked why they are not doing there job. She says she will talk to the doctor and they will call me back. I have so many things on my plate I am not around when I get the call. Well I listen to the message. It says something  to the effect of “We sent you a letter.You should’ve received it certified mail weeks ago. You are no longer our patient.” So somehow the letter that said the problem was outside of their scope of practice really meant you are not our patient. Then why not say I am not their patient. When were they going to let me know that If I wanted the basics of birth control, or anything else that I wouldn’t be able to come to them. I wondered why they dumped me as a patient. i couldn’t understand it. I was nice to them. I didn’t yell. I was optimistic when I was going to them. Now I was just angry. I felt like they just ordered the most expensive test and then kicked me to the curb. I had set up the gynecologist appointment though.

I went to the gynecologist and gave them my insurance cards. I had explained my insurance over the phone when I made the appointment. They see my cards and say we cannot see you. Of course I am upset. I waited weeks for this appointment and they are saying they can’t see me because of my insurance. When I was on the phone they said they could see me. I am angry and tell her this. Then she says “Have a nice day.” She wasted several weeks of my time, when i could be on my way to possibly feeling better. And now I have to make another appointment and wait another several weeks. And she tells me to have a nice day. I was furious. I ask my husband to ask a coworker if they have a good doctor that they have seen for awhile. Picking a person out of the phonebook is not working. I get a name and make an appointment with someone we will call Sue.

By this time my mental illness is getting too me, or perhaps maybe just life. I’ve been sick five months. I have been afraid to sleep because i fear I will not wake up. My husband and I have been having fights. I feel he is very unsupportive. If I am angry at a doctor and tell him he gets angry at me and starts yelling at me. I think I need a therapist to talk to so that I can tell her why I am scared of dying and expres my anger towards the doctors. I start calling down our provider list. I get someone on the phone and it is the therapist herself. I will call her Bev. Bev sounds nice and says she thinks she can help and I think she will be able to. I set up an appointment.

I go to Bevs office. The first appointment is always an intake. They ask you all these questions about your mental health history. They ask you if you were abused and make you bring up your trash. She said they would do the intake and she would talk to her colleague about how to best help me. During the intake she asked twice if I had trouble remembering. I am now wondering if that was some sort of trick question. I am trying to be polite so i just answer both times and say no. I wanted to say, no but you do. Well  I express my concern about my insurance. I tell her I might not be able to come back to her, because I thought our insurance only had a 1500 dollar deductible and not a 3000. She said she would see what they could do. She was going to call me after she talked to her colleague. I waited a week and she told me she couldn’t see me anymore. I asked why. She said if I was going to be struggling to pay she thought it better I see someone else so I would not have financial trouble. I told her it was okay and our insurance was fine. I told her I had just been confused and my husband explained it to me. I told her we had plenty of money to see her with. I was just confused and i will be fine financially. She said she couldn’t see me anyways. I asked why. She said because in my history I have a suicide attempt. I say I am not that person anymore. She said it doesn’t matter. Because of my history she can’t see me. I ask her if she sees people for anger issues, depression, and so on. She says yes. Then I say why can’t you see me. She brings up my inability to pay like three more times. I keep explaining to her i can pay and it won’t be a problem and then she reverts to my history being the problem. She recommends I find someone off of my provider list. I was extremely mad at this point. I said “Where do you think I got you?”  I say on her site it says they deal with crisis intervention. She says they do. I explain that crisis intervention is usually for people who feel suicidal. She says yes. Then why is it she cant see someone who has a suicide attempt in their history. Oh well I decide and hang up. They won’t help me.

I eventually make it in to see Sue. It is someone I am hoping will be my physical doctor. I explain to herafter her telling me I seem angry and need a therapist, why I am angry. I tell her that the doctors I saw were quacks. That they didn’t help me. She took it personal and got mad at me. She acted as if I had called her a quack. I had to explain to her that I wasn’t insisting she was a bad doctor. I told her I didn’t know what she would be like. I told her I was offended by her suggesting I need therapy because I have a diagnoses. She said she just thought it would help with my anger. So now that we understood eachother I was feeling a little better. She tells me she can’t help me. She already knows that she won’t be able to make any more progress in her office than has already been made with my previous. She gives me the name of a gynecologist so I can make an appointment with them. I assume when she left the appointment was over. It sounded over and I go to leave. The receptionist says, “Are you sure the doctor was done with you?” This confuses me so i stay and wait until the doctor comes out. I was going to thank her if she was done. Well the docotr comes out and i ask if we were finished. She looks at me as if to say,” why aren’t you out of my office yet. Get the hell away from me!” But really just says yes. It was the tone of voice and body language that madde me feel so hated. I thought she had gotten over the fact that she took my anger at other doctors so personally. I get home and my husband tells me i di it all wrong and yells at me. I wouldn’t even gone into how inadequate the doctors were if she had made it sound like I had no right to be angry, or depressed. She also made it sound like I was only depressed because I was mentally ill. I felt I had to explain myself. I guess I shouldn’t have though.

I feel like no one is helping me. I am tired of calling number after number to just have my attempts fail. I am extremely hopeless. I am constantly fighting with my husband. I finally say everyone wants me dead. I can’t get the help I need and I say I am fed up and going to kill myself. He calls the cops and I end up in the hospital psychiatric ward.

In the psych ward I explain to the doc that my marital troubles along with being sick for five months and not getting the help I need has drove me to this point. They say they can help. I tell them I want a therapist but I can’t getmyself to call for help anymore and I want a dotor but I am tired of looking. they say thy will take care of it. They send me bcak to the doctor I started with. Now I am thinking it doesn’t matter because at this point I am not going to lose my disability. I am thinking even if I was happy I would still probably get to keep my disability from my physical problems. So I go back to the first doctor. They tell me they offer therapy though them, which I didn’t know. I get released in two days.

I go to the doctor and get told to leave a stool sample and to try some meds to rule out it being an ulcer. They say I should see a therapist. I get angry because I haven’t been acting angry. I haven’t been acting mental and I am told I need a therapist. Once again my history of mental illness wont let the physical doctors just give me the physical help I need. It doesn’t matter though. Now I know I need a therapist anyways and I tell her I already have an appointment.

I go to the therapist. She doesn’t listen well enough to what I am saying. And on top of that I find out I can only see her a handful of times. They only offer short term help. So i am upset at this too.

I go to turn in a stool sample. The doctor calls me that morning and I am told that my blood tests are normal and they forgot to tell me i have to get my stool to the lab within two hours of going. So eventually I get the sample and bring it to the lab. I explain how hard it was. The lady says that she knows because she had to get one from her kid and it’s hard to keep the diaper material and urine outr of the sample so it doesn’t get ruined. Then i told her i got urine in the sample. She says they will see if the sample will work but gave me some more tools to get another sample in case this one was ruined. Luckily it turned out to be enough. I am constipated and have to go during their schedule of 8-3 so I can turn it in. And I have to aim into a container. It was hard and I am glad it was a good enough sample.

Meanwhile my mental health continues to decline and I know I won’t be able to see the therapist. I decide I have had it. The world does not want me to get better. I have a label and they expect me to be that label. So I thought I’d give them what they want, a dead schizoaffective. I decided to kill myself. I had been trying to succeed at other things during this time and had been treated badly their too. I joined a group hoping for friendship and was kicked out. A lot of things like that were happening on top of everything else. I took it as a sign that no one wanted to help me. I felt somehow they wanted me too be my label. I felt the world was begging me to kill myself. So I took action.

I sat on the edge of a cliff one day thinking I would jump, but ended up coming home. Then we went camping. All summer I had wanted to go camping. I wanted a couple of days to relax with just me and my husband. His family managed to mess up the whole summer. We never got to go camping. Now it is september and we go camping. Everything went wrong. We fought and we ended up camping under a bees nest. I wanted one perfect day. I wanted a day of calm. I wanted a day with no fights. I wanted a whole day where we could read and enjoy being away from people, and he could show me how to crochet. It didn’t happen. I tried to kill myself in the woods but my way was too hard. I just ended up cutting my arm. We got home from the trip and once again we gotbombarded by his family. We had a one week vacation. His family knew we were on vacation, but wouldn’t leave us alone for one week. I feel like they have to be everyewhere and if we had had a honeymoon his mom would want to follow us to the honeymoon suite. There was no relief. I needed one day and I didn’t get it. When I got home I went on a quest to find the easiest way to die. I bought a bagful of sleeping pills. I won’t tell you how insane I got. I had so many bad ideas. Idon’t want to disturb anyone with the images. I came home. One last chance. I told my husband I couldn’t do it because I loved him too much, but if I didn’t get help I wouldn’t be able to stay alive. I told him to take me to the hospital.

I didn’t get locked up in the psych ward. I told them I had the stuff to do it and that I was going to do it. They gave me the option of being locked up where I could only see my husband on the weekends and would receive no medical treatment or to go home. I went home. If I was locked up and they want me too cheer up, it wouldn’t matter if I was happy if I was just going to die in their of my physical ailments. So it was as if they were saying we can save your mind while your health kills you or you can go insane and try to improve your health by going home. I went home. I am still in a very bad mental state. At least the doctor there gave me a couple pain pills. Did you know that I went five months before I even got something to help with the nausia. I have been struggling to keep my food down for months. It helps a little. I didn’t mention that on top of all of this our neighbors who live upstairs continuously make loud obnoxious noise. They are mean. They do things like intentionally parking there car so I can’t get out, when they could just park beside me. They are part of my misery. It sounds like someone is throwing bowling balls on the floor half of the time. But I won’t get into that.

So this is a summary of my dealings with the medical community within the last six months. I will update the story as I go along. I hope you can see some of the inadequacies. I hope I have done a good enough job explaining. There is one more thing. I suspect I may never be physically well again. I suspect it is because Liz put me on meds that ruined my body. I could be wrong but my symptoms happened right around that time. Next blog I will write what I have learned from this, and ways i believe you can protect yourself. There are many problems in the medical system. I will explain some of the problems I have seen and how to avoid some of the things I went through. If I knew what I knew now I would’ve done things differently. Until next time,

Jennifer

I have come up with a new term. When you are suspect of a mental illness they pay attention to your thoughts. If your thoughts seem disconnected, and they can’t follow you, it means you must have something wrong. I say I have nothing wrong with my thoughts. This is when I came up with the term popcorn van gogh. Let me explain what it means.

Perhaps I am talking to someone about popcorn and i change the subject to van gogh. No one has a clue as to how I got there. They just see my thoughts as disconnected and unorganized. But, I think so fast that I associate things. Eating popcorn may make me think of stringing popcorn at christmas, which makes me think of a christmas tree. This in turn makes me think about the star on the tree and then I think “Starry Night”, which is a van gogh painting. There is a connection. My mind just goes so fast and I don’t explain these things. Therefore, to an outsider, it would appear my thoughts are disorganized and unconnected. This is a popcorn van gogh. So next time someone jumps to a topic out of nowhere, that appears to be unconnected to anything you were talking about, realize that they just had a popcorn van gogh moment:)

Well in my intro page I told you that I think i was misdiagnosed. They say I am schizo affective. I guess thats bipolar and schizophrenia together. I don’t believe I’m schizophrenic though. I think I got diagnosed with it because I said I saw and heard things others didn’t. Yes I see dead people, and yes I hear my spirit guides. They never tell me to do anything bad. They actually give me good advice and make me feel better. They show me how to view things in a more positive light. But, I do think they got the bipolar part right. I think it’s been five days since I slept. I had been up for three before I realized I wasn’t sleeping. My mind is going so fast and i have so many ideas. I feel like I could write for the rest of my life without a break and not get everything out. It just keeps coming. I am tired now. I am feeling a little more mellow. I will get into detail about the last six months later. All I can say is even if you weren’t mentally ill, you’d still be depressed if you had to go through what I have.

I also am physically sick. I have been in a lot of pain for 6 months now. That is part of my depression. They ask you in therapy if you can no longer do what you used to enjoy. The way they word the question it is loaded. I say yes and they say I must be depressed. I can no longer do what I enjoy because of my physical health. I used to burn incense all the time because it calmed me down. Now I have asthma and if I do burn the incense I risk an asthma attack. The worst thing for me is having my voice taken away. Yes I can still sing, but only when my body allows it. I want to sing when my spirit moves me, but I can’t anymore because I have such a hard time breathing. This is a big loss for me. I went to school for music. I have an A.S. in music. (Funny one class made the difference between associate of science or of art. Ha. So I have an Associate of science degree in an art, music.) This is just part of why I hit rock bottom. I am also allergic to one of my favorite foods now. I can’t eat tomatoes. They used to be a staple. I miss pizza, lasagne, spaghetti, salsa, ketchup, etc. I know it’s not as bad as it could be. I know people have harder problems. Let me list my symptoms though.

My physical symptoms are sharp stabbing pains all over my body, nausia, vomiting, constipation, pain with sex, and stomache pain. The stomache pain is strange. It feels like there’s an alien trying to rip out of my stomache. It hurts so bad that I can’t stand for long. I was trying to clean the kitchen today. I made it about a half hour before I hurt so bad that to continue would just be torture. This has been going on for six months, and the doctors haven’t found anything yet. I wanted it to be something simple so I went to an allergist. I was hoping i might just be allergic to some food and if I quit eating it I wouldn’t hurt. Well during that time I ended up i the ER because I couldn’t breathe. The ER said since I was seeing the allergist already I should just have them run a breathing test. The breathing test said I had asthma. Well, my husband is home. I will explain the problems I’ve had in the healthcare system later. It’s not just insurance that’s bad. The treatment is horrible.